CASE OF "ALIEN ABDUCTION" SOLVED

Wellington--“I really find it embarrassing now, that I thought that I was being abducted by aliens. It’s not the sort of thing that you want to admit to.”

Sheila Bragg, of Wellington, had been suffering from what she thought were nighttime excursions for two years. “I first started having these dreams during the summer of 2006. There was a blinding light shining through my window, I was abducted and flown off into space. I could never actually see who was abducting me.”

The dreams were so disturbing that she turned to psychotherapy, only to find the therapist unhelpful, and the sessions which cost $150/hr, were not covered by insurance. Bragg also tried hypnotherapy, which did have the benefit of curbing her appetite for chewing fingernails, which she describes as a “terrible, filthy habit,” but did not resolve the dreams. “The dreams did not go away, and I was becoming frantic. I thought, and in hindsight this is so silly, that maybe I wouldn’t be returned to earth and I’d just be gone. I thought about how sad that would make my mom and my best friend, Doris Klingart.

It was Klingart who suggested that Bragg consult with a not-for-profit investigative agency based in Roswell, New Mexico. “It wasn’t free, I had to pay their travel expenses, but they were very, very nice and completely supportive.” Two team members from Alien Watch and Recovery came to Bragg’s home, with the intention of documenting the extraterrestrial visitations. They had planned to stay two weeks, but on the second night, they got lucky.

“They sat in my closet and mounted cameras in the room, and I just lay down and went to sleep as I always do.” At about 4:00 a.m. Tuesday, the team members were surprised when a flashlight began to sweep the room from the backyard. Bragg explained, “I keep the window open with a fan in it during the summer months, and I never thought that anyone would be audacious enough to come into my fenced yard and look into my room.”

The team members were quick to wake Bragg with the good news that the case of alien abduction was simply a peeping tom, but not before chasing the interloper from her property, following him into his backyard and witnessing him enter his house, which is next door to Bragg’s. At the urging of AWR team members, Bragg contacted the Sheriff’s department, which provides police services to the Wellington township. “The deputy was really friendly, and told me that I should just keep the windows and shades closed at night, even if it is so hot that I can barely breathe, and I guess that is the right thing to do. I don’t think that it is against the law to look in the window of a sleeping woman, and as he explained to me, I am an attractive nuisance.”

AWR supports a neutral stance on alien abduction, and seeks to promote open-mindedness. “We don’t want the public to think that people who think that they have been abducted are nut bags. We also don’t want the public to get a negative view of extraterrestrial visitation. We figure that we shouldn’t, as we have with stem cell research, close the door to the possibility that there may be answers in space for problems here on earth.”

When asked if any trespassing laws had been broken, the Sheriff’s Department said that unless the person could be identified, it would not proceed with an investigation. Asked why they had belatedly responded to Bragg’s 9-1-1 call, an unidentified spokesman stated that the Department’s focus that day had been on procuring a search warrant for a drug bust.

INVASIVE SPECIES SEEN AS CAUSE FOR NOISE COMPLAINT

Fort Collins--The Colorado Department of Wildlife has confirmed that it is the invasive species, Canis Lupus Familiaris, which has caused the generation of nearly 3,000 noise complaints since 2002.

An observant neighbor, Carrie Ann Runn, in rural Larimer County was the first to discover that the area had been overrun by canids. “At first, no one believed me that there was a problem, but these animals are going to out-compete the coyotes and foxes leading to the eventual extinction of native wildlife, so I just kept calling until someone would listen to me.”

The Humane Society confirmed that since computerization of its records in 2002, it has warned, ticketed or summoned five families in the community a total of 102 times, based on the complaints of Ms. Runn and a helpful Humane Society employee who assisted Ms. Runn when her cause seemed hopeless. That employee coached Ms. Ruhn, signed as a secondary complainant – a process designed to assure that abuse of the system cannot occur—and appeared with her in Court against the neighboring violators, three of whom lived one half mile from Ms. Runn. “That just shows you how bad it was. In my house, with my windows closed, I could identify each individual animal at all hours of the night. They were louder than the rock band that practices Fridays between midnight and 2:00 a.m. in my neighbor’s garage.”

A spokesperson for the Society spoke canidly [sic]; “We were unaware of the scope of the problem until Ms. Runn doggedly brought it to our attention. It is not the policy of the Humane Society to turn its back on issues of this magnitude. We were simply following the law.”

The law does allow individuals to own canids, however it strongly discourages any generation of noise by the animals. Excessive barking-- exceeding the standard of one individual bark per day--is unallowable. Large breeds trained to guard livestock are allowed to growl in warning one additional time per day, provided that it can be demonstrated that the growl was necessary and met the criteria of the Humane Society for “purposeful outburst.”

One of those families charged with the crime of ownership with failure to control, a Class 2 Misdemeanor, agreed to speak with The Bull’s Underbelly.

“I really felt that we had done our best to control the behavior of our domesticated canid. We had brought it in at night, purchased a bark collar, but it wasn’t until Ms. Ruhn was so thoughtful and kept track of each time our canid barked that we realized that we were, in fact, at fault. Who could know that at half a mile, a single bark could cause someone to lose sleep due to worry for the environment. Ms. Runn should be commended for her commitment to native species.”.”

Another family member added, “I absolutely lived in fear of visits from the Humane Society, so we had to have our animal put down so it did not disturb the wildlife, or Ms. Ruhn, any longer. I can’t believe we were so selfish.”

Local City Planners Respond to Motorists:

It'll Be A Roundabout

Loveland—Multiple complaints regarding the series of five roundabouts along the road which connects the new Loveland hospital with Eisenhower Road has generated a survey by traffic experts. They concluded that it was premature to make any judgments on whether the roundabouts actually increased accidents. The study was paid for by a local construction consortium.

An assistant to city planners spoke frankly; “We think the problem is that people who live in Colorado may not be smart enough to use roundabouts. Maybe it has to do with blood oxygen levels.”

A local consumer advocacy group quickly retorted that perhaps the first exposure to how a roundabout works should not occur when someone is attempting to reach the hospital in an emergency.

In Fort Collins, a sigh of relief went up when the roundabout planned for Mulberry and Lemay was found to be cost prohibitive. Local resident Heather Singleton voiced her concerns: “I just couldn’t imagine what the city planners were thinking. That intersection has significant truck traffic. I drive a Mini Cooper; I could be crushed like a grape beneath Lucy Riccardo’s toes if I had to share the roundabout with an 18-wheeler.”

A member of the Long-Term Planning and Environmental Studies Group, which guides local cities confided to The Bull’s Underbelly, “We knew that there would be close calls and that motorists would experience a learning curve, but in the long run, it was much easier to deal with traffic congestion through creative routing rather than invest in more sophisticated engineering and software for tracking lights, and traffic flow and density. We had to look at local talent, and when we did, we realized that we really have a lack of computer and engineering expertise in our population. We just don’t have a crop of out- of-work software engineers who might want to tackle a project with so little impact.”

A father who had just driven with his teenage daughter through the roundabout on Taft Hill Road emerged from his car visibly shaken. “Three times around and two near- misses. This, I believe, is why my wife suggested that we send our daughter to driving school.”

Little Acorns Charter School In News

Child Expelled: Golden Pork Chop Blamed

Fort Collins—The Little Acorns charter school confirmed today that third grader Samantha Howell was expelled for wearing a symbol of religious faith to school.

Although she had worn the icon beneath her the required white polyester shirt, during a game of dodgeball, Samantha unbuttoned the top button, and the small symbol of the Holy Buddha became visible to her horrified classmates.

Jarveston, current acting public relations officer for Little Acorns stated the school's policies openly: “We simply cannot allow the expression of alternative faiths. If we allowed Buddhists to flaunt their gold-plated meat products, we’d have to allow Muslims to cover their heads, Wiccans to wear bizarre flowing clothing and even—and this truly horrifies me—practitioners of Vodun to carry rocks around. We would have to rewrite the entire Little Acorns Student Handbook to encompass these potential projectiles in a manner which did not open the door to litigation.

When The Bull’s Underbelly pointed out that Islam was an outgrowth of the Judeo-Christian tradition, Jarveston added: “Well, let’s just say that the newer religions aren’t really to be trusted. I don’t like Mormons either.”

Buddhists consider the Golden Pork Chop a symbol of impermanency. Samantha’s mother, Jane Howell, explained: “As the Cross symbolizes Christ’s horrifying and tortuous death and hope through His resurrection to Christians, the Golden Pork Chop reminds Buddhists that their next meal may be their last, and that it could be a close friend or family member who delivers that meal. It serves to remind us of mindfulness.” The Buddha was served spoiled pork by his first disciple and died a few days later.

Samantha Howell will be able to return to school next fall if she completes four weeks of Bible Camp this summer and writes a 2,000 word essay on why Buddhism is an inferior religion, since it lacks a God. Jane Howell added: “It was suggested to me that it might be beneficial if she includes in her essay why His Holiness the Dalai Lama should be disregarded because of his views on peace, with a sidebar on the bias of the Nobel Peace Committee towards deposed leaders of the Third World. I guess I’ll have to think about it, but at this moment, I am really wanting to homeschool.”

Little Acorns has come under fire recently for what some child advocates claim is a particularly heavy hand. Patrick Jarveston, agreed that “Our charter is for a school which returns to the standards of the early 20th century. Children are paddled, humiliated and shamed into appropriate behavior. The aim is, at graduation, to have created a young person who can go into the world toughened to withstand the competitive, hedonistic environment.” Asked if this might have a negative effect on more sensitive children, Jarveston replied that it was the aim of the school, through system-wide bullying, to discourage children with an “artistic bent. There is no value in attending art school, pursuing drama, or trying to write the great American novel. We want our children to become leaders, and we want them as leaders to steer this country away from immorality, Spanish bilingualism, and the growing threat of globalization which will undermine, if not completely deconstruct, our God-given Constitution. If a few of the weaker are unable to hack it, well, they weren’t going to make it anyway.”

Waiting in line to pick up his son, Tim Pohl, the father of an eleven-year-old, espoused his appreciation for Little Acorns. “I love the school. It is strict, and I know that my son needs that. In the past, I had trouble finding time to discipline him, but they have Eric for 8 hours a day, and the staff are all capable of punishing him appropriately. Instead of a willful, inventive child, I have a quiet, ticking time bomb which will be unleashed on our decadent society in 2015. We had considered military school, but we were lucky to get a place at Little Acorns when a Jewish family refused to sign the Statement of Faith.”

The public charter school has a two year waiting list.

PIOUS CHRISTIAN VISITED BY LITERARY HARLOTS

Real-Life Haunting? Casting Out Scheduled for Spirits

Fort Colllins—Nina Scofield shared with The Bull’s Underbelly her recent encounters with what she believes to be ghosts. Curiously, the specters are not the spirits of the deceased, but rather, characters from a wide variety of novels, only one of which Mrs. Scofield has ever read.

The first bizarre occurrence was in early April, when Scofield awoke to the vision of a woman in her death throes from arsenic poisoning. Her manner of dress, according to Scofield, was “[E]xtraordinary, as though she had stepped from late 19th century France.” Scofield, who is a costumer for the local musical dinner theatre “Parasol,” dismissed this as a solitary occurrence, but her curiosity led her to the local library. Months of research with head librarian, Tina Schmidt, uncovered a chilling connection to Madame Bovary, a novel by Flaubert considered to be among the important works of that century. “I can’t begin to tell you how upsetting it was to find that an adulteress with the morals of a civet cat had visited my bedroom. The Lord’s Prayer is framed above our twin beds. My husband and I live pure and virtuous lives. Our teenagers have not even been introduced to the idea of sexuality, and you know how appalling difficult it is to keep that level of innocence in our children today. Homeschooling with our fellow members of Hell for the Unrepentant Godless (HUG) is our salvation from the decadence of popular culture. And I would like to add that we truly are blessed to have found our way to such a Godly community. There is almost no diversity here whatsoever!”

But it was not to end with Madame Bovary. Scofield’s next visitor arrived badly damaged, although was able to whisper one word, “Vronsky,” and it was by this that Scofield was able to ascertain the specter was most likely of Russian origin. “Once, she must have been extremely beautiful, but when she appeared at the foot of the bed, she looked as though she had been hit by a train.”

“It was last Saturday night, after Vacation Bible School had finished up, that I was visited once again, but this visitor I recognized immediately. We had read The Scarlet Letter in high school, and I knew at once from the red letter A on her breast that it was Hester Prynne. Imagine my shock. That hussy seduced a minister!”

Leading researchers in paranormal activities believe that spirits such as those of Madame Bovary, Anna Karenina, and Hester Prynne, can be brought into being simply through the collective unconscious, although Scofield dismisses this possibility stating that the new-age [Jungian] theory conflicts with the teachings of Divinity. “I can’t imagine why we would look to a fat little Buddha like you see in Chinese restaurants for spiritual guidance.” When asked to explain the comment, Scofield retorted that Jung was an Oriental name.

The reason for the visitations to the Scofield home remains unclear. Scofield admits that she is curious as to why they all seem to be women whose adulterous affairs ended badly. While scrubbing her kitchen counter vigorously with bleach, Scofield added, “I pride myself in a spotlessly clean house. I'm getting ready for a prayer vigil here on Thursday, and we’re going to cast the wicked women out.”

Mr. Scofield had no comment on the matter.

SHERIFF ANNOUNCES NEW WEIGHT LOSS INITIATIVE

Housewife grateful for new diet exercise program

Fort Collins--Today, the Larimer County Sheriff’s Department announced a new program to enable crime victims to participate in crime solving while losing weight. Citing a huge budget shortfall caused by an ever-increasing methamphetamine presence in the region, the task force assigned to examine funding came forward with a controversial proposal to stretch dollars: Let citizens do for themselves what really only trained professionals can.

A public relations firm, contracted with the County at a cost of $250,000 to taxpayers, came up with a catch phrase that would resonate with the public while reflecting the need to cut down on police services: Scale Down With Crime. Jonathon Rhodes, the president of Rhodes Public Relations, LLC, said that the choice to use the phrase seemed very clever to him one night while he was sitting on his sofa, drinking cherry cola. “It works on so many levels. First you have that scale of justice thing going, and then, of course, another way of thinking about scales, like getting on the scales like a prizefighter, really getting in there and doing it, and that’s our victim/consumer. And, of course, our catchphrase does address the fact that we really do have to cut back on our response to crime. We just don’t have the funding.”

Asked why the choice had been made not to use the image of Sisyphus pushing the rock endlessly up the mountain, only to have it roll back down, which had been shown to be the preferred image by a consumer panel comprised of those who had dealt with the Sheriff’s office and had complaints about responsiveness, Rhodes explained, “First of all, we don’t want the public to think that the Department is overly educated, which you would have to be to know anything about Greek mythology. Secondly, we didn’t want our victims who may actually understand Greek mythology, to think that they were, like Sisyphus, being somehow punished by the department by having to endlessly pursue deputies and beg for help. Plus, Sisyphus has sort of an unpleasant sound to it, combining ‘sissy’ which has a negative connotation and ‘phus.’ I’m not sure if phus is a word, but it does rhyme with pus.”

A spokesperson at the unveiling of the program, which took place at the County’s spacious Justice Center, explained, “We don’t want them to take a bite out of crime. Studies indicate that this association of crime with food may be partly responsible for the obesity epidemic. We decided to start with stalking victims because it provides the greatest long-term benefit, as stalkers can be extremely persistent, and it is the prolonged stress of dealing with these situations that leads to substantial and permanent weight loss.” Asked if this program was only available to victims of stalking, the spokesperson added, “We do think that we can move into the areas of carjacking and shoplifting, but we really see this as an extension of the anti-rape programs which feature physical and psychological training when dealing with that type of attacker. We have found that for those who have trouble with stick-to-it-ness, when it comes to physical fitness, fearing for your life is the missing link. Of course, we are in no position to actually provide training. This is a do-it-yourself program.”

Angie S. concurs. “I had tried every diet and exercise program, but I found them difficult to stick with,” said the mother of two. “I never really did lose the weight after my daughters were born, and it is hard to stay motivated. Being required to learn how to defend my property and children has been an incredible motivator. I’ve lost twelve pounds in just a month, and I haven’t even had to think about it!”

The program, an exciting partnership between Larimer County Sheriff’s Department and a helpful neighbor who finds exercising at night preferable, is not unlike a child’s game of hide and seek. Angie wakes up several times each night when her dog barks, and attempts to locate the neighbor on her property; several acres in the northern sector of the county. The neighbor, a trained marathoner, has developed techniques to elude Angie, in order to make the program more challenging and increase Angie’s endurance.

“At first, I have to admit, I was skeptical when the Department suggested that I reframe what I believed was a stalking and harassment issue into a fitness plan. I was wrong. Even though I am more tired than I have been at any point since my girls were infants, the increase in fitness has been well worth it.”

Angie, who believes that her neighbor has been stalking her for several years, said she understands that the Sheriff’s Department is critically understaffed. “At first, I was annoyed that they were so unhelpful and didn’t take my problem seriously. But with their coaching, I was able to see that I was actually participating in the process, my neighbor’s bizarre behavior was not a problem that needed to be solved by them, but that it was my patriotic privilege to run about at night without any help while she hid in the cornfield and taunted me by leaving little messages around my property.” Angie refused to identify what those messages were. “Let’s just say, they weren’t very nice.”

Assistant County Manager, Neil Gluckman, when asked whether a shortage of funds for crime solving was a problem in the County, responded that “Our office has absolutely no jurisdiction over the Sheriff’s office...the Sheriff is responsible for his own budget and chooses where to spend it.” The Commissioners had not yet taken an official stance on the Scale Down Through Crime program, but a secretary for the managers said that she thought that she would like to participate in the program if she were “lucky enough to get a stalker.”

A spokesman for the Sheriff’s Department, requesting anonymity, stated “We were excited to learn that it was possible to patent our program, and have appropriated funds to take Scale Down Through Crime national, although a partnership with other commercial weight loss programs is not out of the question. We have had several inquiries from other interested counties in Colorado which feel that this could be the answer to their budgetary constraints as well.”