Little Acorns Charter School In News

Child Expelled: Golden Pork Chop Blamed

Fort Collins—The Little Acorns charter school confirmed today that third grader Samantha Howell was expelled for wearing a symbol of religious faith to school.

Although she had worn the icon beneath her the required white polyester shirt, during a game of dodgeball, Samantha unbuttoned the top button, and the small symbol of the Holy Buddha became visible to her horrified classmates.

Jarveston, current acting public relations officer for Little Acorns stated the school's policies openly: “We simply cannot allow the expression of alternative faiths. If we allowed Buddhists to flaunt their gold-plated meat products, we’d have to allow Muslims to cover their heads, Wiccans to wear bizarre flowing clothing and even—and this truly horrifies me—practitioners of Vodun to carry rocks around. We would have to rewrite the entire Little Acorns Student Handbook to encompass these potential projectiles in a manner which did not open the door to litigation.

When The Bull’s Underbelly pointed out that Islam was an outgrowth of the Judeo-Christian tradition, Jarveston added: “Well, let’s just say that the newer religions aren’t really to be trusted. I don’t like Mormons either.”

Buddhists consider the Golden Pork Chop a symbol of impermanency. Samantha’s mother, Jane Howell, explained: “As the Cross symbolizes Christ’s horrifying and tortuous death and hope through His resurrection to Christians, the Golden Pork Chop reminds Buddhists that their next meal may be their last, and that it could be a close friend or family member who delivers that meal. It serves to remind us of mindfulness.” The Buddha was served spoiled pork by his first disciple and died a few days later.

Samantha Howell will be able to return to school next fall if she completes four weeks of Bible Camp this summer and writes a 2,000 word essay on why Buddhism is an inferior religion, since it lacks a God. Jane Howell added: “It was suggested to me that it might be beneficial if she includes in her essay why His Holiness the Dalai Lama should be disregarded because of his views on peace, with a sidebar on the bias of the Nobel Peace Committee towards deposed leaders of the Third World. I guess I’ll have to think about it, but at this moment, I am really wanting to homeschool.”

Little Acorns has come under fire recently for what some child advocates claim is a particularly heavy hand. Patrick Jarveston, agreed that “Our charter is for a school which returns to the standards of the early 20th century. Children are paddled, humiliated and shamed into appropriate behavior. The aim is, at graduation, to have created a young person who can go into the world toughened to withstand the competitive, hedonistic environment.” Asked if this might have a negative effect on more sensitive children, Jarveston replied that it was the aim of the school, through system-wide bullying, to discourage children with an “artistic bent. There is no value in attending art school, pursuing drama, or trying to write the great American novel. We want our children to become leaders, and we want them as leaders to steer this country away from immorality, Spanish bilingualism, and the growing threat of globalization which will undermine, if not completely deconstruct, our God-given Constitution. If a few of the weaker are unable to hack it, well, they weren’t going to make it anyway.”

Waiting in line to pick up his son, Tim Pohl, the father of an eleven-year-old, espoused his appreciation for Little Acorns. “I love the school. It is strict, and I know that my son needs that. In the past, I had trouble finding time to discipline him, but they have Eric for 8 hours a day, and the staff are all capable of punishing him appropriately. Instead of a willful, inventive child, I have a quiet, ticking time bomb which will be unleashed on our decadent society in 2015. We had considered military school, but we were lucky to get a place at Little Acorns when a Jewish family refused to sign the Statement of Faith.”

The public charter school has a two year waiting list.