PIOUS CHRISTIAN VISITED BY LITERARY HARLOTS

Real-Life Haunting? Casting Out Scheduled for Spirits

Fort Colllins—Nina Scofield shared with The Bull’s Underbelly her recent encounters with what she believes to be ghosts. Curiously, the specters are not the spirits of the deceased, but rather, characters from a wide variety of novels, only one of which Mrs. Scofield has ever read.

The first bizarre occurrence was in early April, when Scofield awoke to the vision of a woman in her death throes from arsenic poisoning. Her manner of dress, according to Scofield, was “[E]xtraordinary, as though she had stepped from late 19th century France.” Scofield, who is a costumer for the local musical dinner theatre “Parasol,” dismissed this as a solitary occurrence, but her curiosity led her to the local library. Months of research with head librarian, Tina Schmidt, uncovered a chilling connection to Madame Bovary, a novel by Flaubert considered to be among the important works of that century. “I can’t begin to tell you how upsetting it was to find that an adulteress with the morals of a civet cat had visited my bedroom. The Lord’s Prayer is framed above our twin beds. My husband and I live pure and virtuous lives. Our teenagers have not even been introduced to the idea of sexuality, and you know how appalling difficult it is to keep that level of innocence in our children today. Homeschooling with our fellow members of Hell for the Unrepentant Godless (HUG) is our salvation from the decadence of popular culture. And I would like to add that we truly are blessed to have found our way to such a Godly community. There is almost no diversity here whatsoever!”

But it was not to end with Madame Bovary. Scofield’s next visitor arrived badly damaged, although was able to whisper one word, “Vronsky,” and it was by this that Scofield was able to ascertain the specter was most likely of Russian origin. “Once, she must have been extremely beautiful, but when she appeared at the foot of the bed, she looked as though she had been hit by a train.”

“It was last Saturday night, after Vacation Bible School had finished up, that I was visited once again, but this visitor I recognized immediately. We had read The Scarlet Letter in high school, and I knew at once from the red letter A on her breast that it was Hester Prynne. Imagine my shock. That hussy seduced a minister!”

Leading researchers in paranormal activities believe that spirits such as those of Madame Bovary, Anna Karenina, and Hester Prynne, can be brought into being simply through the collective unconscious, although Scofield dismisses this possibility stating that the new-age [Jungian] theory conflicts with the teachings of Divinity. “I can’t imagine why we would look to a fat little Buddha like you see in Chinese restaurants for spiritual guidance.” When asked to explain the comment, Scofield retorted that Jung was an Oriental name.

The reason for the visitations to the Scofield home remains unclear. Scofield admits that she is curious as to why they all seem to be women whose adulterous affairs ended badly. While scrubbing her kitchen counter vigorously with bleach, Scofield added, “I pride myself in a spotlessly clean house. I'm getting ready for a prayer vigil here on Thursday, and we’re going to cast the wicked women out.”

Mr. Scofield had no comment on the matter.